Monday, November 15, 2010

Chewing Gum

Slave: "Master, some of the other would-be slaves have been asking me what you would like for your birthday. Do you have any requests? And a new slave is NOT an option."

Master: "Hmmmmm, I would like lint. Lint is my favorite. When I find it, I pull it apart and then I roll it in my hands and then I eat it and it tastes like dryer and I can chew on it like a piece of gum almost the whole day until you find it and try to take it out.  That's what I want for my birthday."

Slave: "Lint.  Not puzzles?"

Master: "Can  you pull puzzles apart and then roll them in your hands?"

Slave: "No. Not really.  How about some books?"

Master: "Can I chew on books like gum almost the whole day until you bust me and try to take it out of my mouth?"

Slave: "You probably could, but that is extremely disrespectful to books and ill advised."

Master: "In that case I stand by my original request. Lint. And lots of it."

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Frowny Face

Master: "Slave why are you frowning? I am the only one in this house that is allowed to show any emotions besides happiness.  And since I'm bored with playing with this piece of lint I found, I guess I could talk to you."

Slave: "I am frowning because my blogspot button on my favorites has gone missing because someone was playing with the laptop when they weren't supposed to and someone pushes buttons randomly on that said laptop hence by removing the slaves' internet shortcuts thereby causing said slaves to forget about blogging on a regular basis."

Master: "Or it's because you haven't thought of anything funny.  But you should really look into who's messing with your stuff.  And really, it's your own fault for messing around on the laptop when you really should be paying undivided attention to your Master.  And on a side note, that is not how you do a frowny face.  THIS is how you do a frowny face - you have to get a deep forrow in your brow, but the key is to tuck your chin in and down so your eyes get all hooded.  Like this. THIS is how you work it."

Friday, September 10, 2010


Slave: "Master, that is not how we eat toast. You're supposed to eat the bread AND the butter at the same time. Not just suck out the butter and then play with a super-soggy piece of bread."

Master: "I don't see why I can't eat toast that way.  The butter is the best part. And who likes just whole wheat toast with all these bird seeds in it?  I'll tell you who - slaves."

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Just a little incentive

Master: "Slave, I don't appreciate you keep moving my toys back after I do all that work of crawling to them.  Then I have to crawl further.  And then you move them back again. And then I have to crawl even FURTHER. And then finally you let me play with them.  I don't like it. I would like to only crawl once. Stop teasing me. That makes you a toy tease.  TOY TEASER!"

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


Master: "Slave! Where are you? I know you are somewhere close. I am on my way to find you.  Oooooh look, a crumb."

Slave: "Master!  You army-crawled your way from the living room to the dining room. You have almost made it to the kitchen - you are getting to be such a big girl."

Master: "Well now that I figured out on my own that I can get off the living room carpet and actually can move quite a bit faster on the hardwood laminate I am exploring my current housing situation.  Why did you not tell me that I could get off the carpet in the living room? Because you didn't inform me of such an important thing, I am docking you two demerits."

Slave: "We're on a demerit system now?"

Master: "Yes slave we are. It's the only way that I can discipline you.  One demerit equals one hour of sleep. Now, everytime that you do something that deserves punishment, I shall serve you with an amount of demerits of my choosing."

Slave: "And not informing you of mobility issues is two demerits?"

Master: "That is correct. For a slave, you sure catch on quickly."

Slave: "Well in that case, I better inform you now that stairs are completely off limits as is the garbage can, the piano, cords of any type and electrical sockets. Otherwise my house is your house."

Master: "No. This is just my house. Another two demerits."

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Where are All My Friends?

Master: "Slave, where are all my friends? I have had my breakfast and now it's play time and now they are nowhere to be found."

Slave: "Well Master, Sophie the Giraffe is in the dishwasher seeing as you have been sucking her spots off, and in the grocery store, so she is being cleaned of all her filthy germs."

Master: "What about Riko the Penguin?"

Slave: "Riko is in the washing machine for the same reasons as Sophie."

Master: "What about Pooh Bear?"

Slave: "Pooh Bear has good back in the closet as you poked your eye out with his nose."

Master: "Well, where's my Frog?"

Slave: "He is spending the week at your friend Charlie's house. For a sleepover."

Master: "Well, who else is left? Where's the pink bear with the fun chewy things on it and the crinkly leaf. I like that crinkly leaf."

Slave: "The pink bear is unfortunately MIA."

Master: "Well, who does that leave? There must be SOMEONE that I can play with this morning."

Slave: "You and I can play if you like."

Master: "I guess so. Seeing as everyone else seems occupied. You really should schedule my friends better. And I'll only play with you if you let me blow raspberries in your face."

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I'm singing in the rain....

Slave: "Master, it's so good to see you smiling.  Do you like it when I sing to you?"

Master: "Ha! That's singing?! I hardly think so.  You sound more like Skuttle on the Little Mermaid.  I much perfer it when Mary Poppins sings. Oh, and FYI, you don't sound a THING like Mary when you sing her lullaby to go to sleep. Ha, singing.  Slave, the only reason I keep you around is cause you are so funny. And not funny-weird. Funny ha-ha. Like funny ha-ha-I'm-laughing-at-you-not-with-you."